Build A Better Pantry

This post was going to be about the really awesome vegan cookies I made, but they weren't really awesome. They were terrible. Horrible disastrous dry little balls of gross. But anyway, I've been wanting to do a post like this for awhile. I know that a lot of people want to be healthy but don't really know where to start or products to stock to cook healthy meals. So here's a little help. :)

Once you build a pantry of basics, it doesn't cost a lot of money to add fresh ingredients and replenish your supplies each week. I'm also including stuff I always keep in my freezer and fridge, so it's super easy to just throw together a meal.

Sauces and Condiments

Grapeseed oil

Olive oil

Coconut oil (personal fave, currently have 3 jars in various locations around the house)

Vinegar (all kinds, balsamic, red wine, rice wine, apple cider)

Soy sauce

I use grapeseed or coconut oil for sauteeing or cooking at high temperatures. Grapeseed has a more neutral flavor, coconut adds a little tropical flavor. I use olive for uncooked dishes. Vinegar adds a ton of flavor for very little calories and brightens up sauces and dressings.

Grains

Brown rice 

Quinoa

Whole wheat pasta

Lentils

Beans (pinto, black, kidney, garbanzo, any kind!)

Old fashioned oats

Popcorn (not the microwave kind)

Whole wheat crackers and/or brown rice cakes

Whole wheat bread

Whole wheat tortillas

Quinoa is sooooo good. If you haven't tried it yet, go buy some. Now. It's actually a seed, but I use it like a grain so I put it in this section. It has a lot of protein and a little crunch and is delicious with some dried fruit and nuts like a pilaf. Lentils sort of remind me of beans, they're high in protein and good in soups and make a really good lentil loaf, like meatloaf. 

Baking Products

Whole wheat flour (I also have brown rice flour, whole white wheat and whole wheat pastry flour, but you don't really need all that unless you like to experiment a lot like me)

Baking soda, baking powder

Raw, unbleached sugar

Dark chocolate chips (duh)

Pure vanilla extract

I'm not a baker, but I've been trying to come up with some things to make. Plus, these ingredients are useful for other things besides baking.

Random Other Stuff

Vegetable Stock

Almond milk (I keep a couple extra cartons on hand all the time)

Light coconut milk

Extra firm tofu (I use it for a lot of stuff, not for just eating it by itself, like the frosting for the cake in my last post, so don't be afraid!!)

Canned tuna (unless you're not into that)

Jarred tomatoes (don't get them in the can!!!!!! A lot of canned products, but mostly tomatoes, contain BHT which is a yucky chemical that you don't want in your food)

Potatoes and sweet potatoes

Onions and garlic

Peanut butter (or other nut butters, make sure the only ingredients are nuts and salt)

Dried fruit (I like cherries, golden raisins, and apricots)

Nuts (Like almonds, pecans, walnuts, pistachios, whatever you like)

Spices (the ones I use a lot are salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, cumin, oregano, basil, parsley, cinnamon and curry powder)

Tea (I always have green tea and peppermint tea on hand)

These are super versatile ingredients that I use allllll the time. 

In My Freezer

Frozen veggies (always on hand: broccoli, green beans, bell peppers, asparagus)

Frozen fruit (great for smoothies!! blueberries, strawberries, mangoes, peaches)

Veggie burgers (for a quick meal when I'm in a rush)

Pre-marinated chicken (for the brother, see my previous post!)

In The Fridge

Mustard (dijon and honey mustard, for sandwiches, and sauces)

Pickles and relish (I love pickles and they're a quick salty snack for only 5 calories!!)

Salsa

Ketchup and barbecue sauce

Teriyaki sauce (sometimes I make my own, but sometimes I'm lazy)

Fresh ginger

There are also a couple fresh veggies and fruit that will always be in my house: Carrots, celery, cucumber, lettuce, zucchini, apples, grapefruits, bananas

I supplement these ingredients with what's on sale and what's in season to have everything for healthy, easy quick dishes!

Happy health everyone :)

Attack of the Sweet Tooth

Today I was sitting on the couch and they were cooking something with ginger and I thought of making ginger green tea. I started simmering my ingredients and went to get my ginger out of the fridge, but I realized I was out!!! AHHH!! So I went across the street to the store. I walked in and was immediately consumed by the smell of fresh baked pastries. I had to have cake. Right then. I though about buying a loaf of angel food cake and covering it with strawberries and eating the entire thing immediately, but instead, I bought some vanilla extract and chocolate chips and decided to try to make something myself.

Ginger Green Tea
I started by making the tea. Simmer 1/2 cup sugar with 1/2 cup water, the zest of 1 lemon and 1 inch piece of grated ginger. Meanwhile, simmer 8 cups water and add 6 green tea bags and 1 peppermint tea bag. Let it cool, add to a pitcher, and fill with ice. Then add 1/4 cup of the syrup and stir. Yum!

I also decided that before I ate cake, I should probably eat dinner. I wanted something light and fresh so I made a lemon veggie pasta

Lemon Veggie Pasta
1/2 package whole wheat linguine
1/2 cup part skim ricotta
1 cup peas
1 cup broccoli florets
1 cup tomatoes, chopped
1/2 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp oil
Juice of 1 lemon
2 tbsp fresh mint
1 tsp red pepper flakes
salt and pepper to taste

Cook the linguine according to the instructions. Heat the oil in a large pan over medium high heat and add the onions. When they start to get translucent, add the garlic and and red pepper. After about 2 minutes, add the remaining veggies. Add the salt and pepper, and when the veggies are just cooked through, add the lemon juice and the mint. Turn off the heat and stir in the ricotta. Add the pasta and eat it!!!

I want to preface this next recipe with a disclaimer. I hate baking. I'm awful at it. I tried baking cookies, and it didn't work. At all. I usually screw up break and bake cookies. So I'm really proud about this recipe. It actually worked, and it tastes good!! The wheat flour gave it a weird texture so next time I'll try a different kind, but regardless, the sweet tooth was satisfied. :)

Whole Wheat Chocolate Cake
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour (if you can use brown rice flour, or whole wheat pastry flour to get a better texture)
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 cup applesauce
1/3 cup oil
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 pureed banana
1/2 cup chocolate chips
3 egg whites
1 tsp vanilla

For the icing:
1 (12.3 oz) package extra firm silken tofu
1/4 cup plus 2 tbsp powdered suger
1 tbsp coconut oil

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly oil 2 8 inch round cake pans and dust them with cocoa powder. Combine the brown sugar and oil in a large bowl. Add the applesauce, banana, and vanilla. Slowly add the flour, cocoa, and baking soda. Whip the egg whites until they have doubled in volume and are white and fluffy. Gently fold in to the rest of the batter. Finally, fold in the chocolate chips. Equally divide the batter between the two pans and bake them for 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. When they're done, take them out and let them cool. I put mine in the fridge on a cooling rack. I left them there long enough to make the pasta, and they were perfectly cool by the time I was done.

For the frosting, blend all the ingredients in a food processor. Put this in the fridge too. Frost the cakes with a layer of frosting between them and top with more chocolate chips. Enjoy!!

And I Ran...

I've always hated running. Like really hated it. When I was little, I loved riding bikes, roller blading, but I hated hated hated running. In high school, when our swim coach would make us run, I would bitch the entire time ("I joined swim team to swim, not to run!!!!"). I tried to like it a couple times, recruiting friends to go with me, but the interested usually lasted halfway down the street until I gave up.

Then one day, I woke up, and I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away, I wanted to run fast. No idea why, but slowly, I started running a tiny loop around my neighborhood. Then a little further. Then a little faster. I still wasn't a great runner, but I wanted to make myself healthier, so I turned up my music to the most motivating songs I could, and I ran.

A little over a year ago, I had worked 18 days in a row. It was a different job than what I have right now, and it was degrading, and I felt horrible about myself, and I was worn out. As soon as someone else was hired so I wasn't the only one that could work those shifts, I got my other shifts covered and told my boss not to call me for the next four days. I packed up my car, and traded my heals for flip flops and sneakers, and my scandalous dresses for sweatpants and t-shirts. I called my mom, my roommate, and my best friend, and told them I was taking a trip and not to tell anyone where I was going. Then I rolled down my windows and turned up Jason Mraz as loud as my stereo would allow, and I ran.

Six hours later, after driving through cherry orchards and farms and trees, I found myself in San Luis Obispo, "the Happiest Place in North America." I called the same three people and told them I was safe, then I turned off my phone and left it in the car. I spent my days browsing used bookstores, farmers markets, vegan restaurants, craft shops, and organic coffee shops. The next morning, I woke up at the cute little bed and breakfast I was staying at, laced up sneakers, went down and ate some of the amazing eggs that came with my stay, and I ran.

I ran across the other town, past all the shops, past the bars and restaurants, past the little river and straight to a little hill and up to Lemon Hill Trail. This run was different than my usual runs. I wasn't running because I wanted exercise, I wasn't running to lose weight, I was running for me. I didn't listen to my usual high intensity, fast paced music. I listened to my mellow aMrazing playlist, and I ran.

I hiked up to the top of this trail and took in the beauty around me. I looked at the mountains, I could just see a sliver of the ocean, I could see the meadow below me blowing in the summery breeze, and I finally felt good again. I left my little perch on the top of the trail, headed back to my hotel, and I ran.

Now when I run, I don't run for the exercise (although that part is great too), I run as therapy. I run to clear my head and reflect on my day. Every step I take is a step in the right direction, a step towards my goals, a step towards a happier, healthier me. I set little goals for myself, just make it to the stop sign, just make it to the next light pole, just make it to the third house down, just make it to the corner. And every time I cross my little finish line, I take a little leap of accomplishment. I love to feel the achiness of my legs when I'm done. I love to watch my shadow dance on the sidewalk. I like to run a little bit further than I did on my last run. I like to run at night, mostly because it's 100 degrees during the day, because it feels like an amazing way to end my night, to go to sleep feeling free and at peace.

I've run two 5k's now, and I still don't think I'm a great runner, but now I really really love it. It's one of the things that makes me really happy and makes me feel better about everything. When I'm running, I feel like everything is right, that everything is at peace. I feel empowered. I feel like I am the real me.

Now if only I could learn to love doing laundry this much. Good night and happy running :)

Tasty Time-Saving Tricks

Since I don't have a ton of free time, I like to prepare my groceries right away, so they're ready for me to cook and meals can come together in just a few minutes. This saves me time when I'm cooking, and it saves money by not wasting food I don't use. It also allows me to buy in bulk.

I start off by washing and chopping up my vegetables right when I bring them home. I make carrot and celery sticks for snacking and also thin slices to use in salads and stir-fries. I store them in zip-lock bags filled with cold water and then put those inside a container just in case there are any leaks. That should go in the coldest part of your fridge to prevent everything from going limp. I also dice onions and mince garlic and store those in bag without water.

Then I heat up my oven to 400 degrees and get to chopping. Any veggies I want to roast for the week all get cooked up at the same time. I make herb roasted potatoes, sweet potatoes with Mexican spices, squash, and any other veggies for specific recipes.

I usually buy a big package of chicken breast when it's on sale so I make a couple different marinades (usually Honey Mustard or just barbecue) and freeze that in individual bags. This way every night (literally every night) when my brother tells me he's hungry, I can just pop one of those in the oven while I get ready for work. I used to do this with hamburgers and steaks too, but I haven't bought those in awhile.

I also cook up a big pot of rice, lentils, or barley and eat that all week. Then I pick a soup or pasta sauce I want to make and throw that in the slow cooker while everything else cooks. I think of a couple other recipes that will keep well, like my Grown Up Mac and Cheese from the last post, or some other kind of baked dish, and make that to keep in the fridge.

When I buy fresh herbs for special recipes, I always have leftover and want to make sure they get used. I chop up whatever leftovers I have and put them in plastic bags and freeze them. My mom suggested putting them in ice cube trays and freezing little herb cubes which I think is an awesome idea. It works best for recipes where the herbs are going to be cooked because they don't look as pretty when they thaw, but if you don't mind, they still taste good. You can also do that with citrus juice, pesto, sauces, leftover cream and wine (not that there is ever leftover wine).

After that all my meals are pretty much made, or just need to be assembled and warmed. Stir-fries are ready to go with some of the cooked rice, the chopped veggies just need to be heated up with some of the minced garlic and onion, and a little sauce. If I want pasta, I just cook up some noodles and put some of the sauce I made on it. Salads just need to be assembled (See my 5 minute recipe below). It helps me to eat more at home and spend less money on eating out. Here's what I whipped up today for dinner. It's light and summery and delicious :)

Thai Salad
4 cups lettuce
1 avocado
1/2 orange, sliced
1 carrot, sliced
1/2 cucumber, sliced
1 stalk celery
1 green onion
2 tbsp cilantro
2 tbsp toasted almonds
2 tbsp golden raisins

For the dressing:
1/3 cup olive oil
1/4 cup rice wine vinegar
juice of 1/2 orange
juice of 1 lime
1 tsp honey
salt and pepper to taste

Mix up all the salad ingredients in a big bowl. In a small bowl, add all the dressing ingredients except the oil. Slowly drizzle in the oil while whisking. Pour a few tablespoons over the salad and mix it up (there will be leftover dressing). If you're not going to eat it right away, leave the dressing off until you're ready to eat so it doesn't wilt. This makes about 4ish servings. It's a little sweet and a little tangy and really really yummy. Making your own salad dressing might seem like a pain, but it doesn't take more than 2 minutes and it's soooo worth it. I still don't know how my mom makes her balsamic vinegarette, but it's better than any bottled dressing I've ever had. Ever. And, this way, you know exactly what's going in your food, and there are no mystery ingredients. I just ate this salad on it's own tonight, but if I'm making a Thai dish, I'll serve it with that. I think it's best on a really hot summer day like today. Enjoy! :)

Better Than The Box! Mac and Cheese

You know those days where all you want to do is sit on the couch with a gallon of ice cream and watch Love Actually?? Today is one of those days. Just blahhhhh. So I wanted to make some yummy comfort food, which usually means full of carbs and cheese.

I made a healthier, grown up version of every kid's favorite dinner, full of veggies and cut down on calories. So here it is. It looks like a lot of work, but I promise it's not that hard. You can use whichever veggies you like, I chose these because I thought they went well together and broccoli is basically my favorite food. And what's better than broccoli and cheese?? Broccoli and mac and cheese. Yummm

Grown Up Mac And Cheese
12 oz. whole wheat penne
2 cups part skim mozzarella, shredded
1 cup reduced fat colby jack cheese, shredded
1/4 cup swiss cheese, shredded
4 tbsp whole wheat flour
2 tbsp butter
1 cup nonfat milk
1 cup vegetable stock
2 cups broccoli florets
2 cups sliced mushrooms
1 cup frozen spinach
1 cup diced tomatoes
1 onion, thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp oil
2 tbsp dijon mustard
1 cup whole wheat bread crumbs
pinch nutmeg
salt and pepper to taste

Heat the oil in a pan on high heat. Add the thinly sliced onions and generously salt them. Turn the heat down to medium low and wait for them to caramelize. This takes about 15 minutes. Meanwhile, in a separate pan, melt the butter and whisk in the flour. Cook this for about 5 minutes until it thickens up. Then add the milk and stock, a pinch of salt, the nutmeg and lots of black pepper. It should thicken a little bit. After about 5 more minutes, add the cheeses and whisk until they melt into the sauce. Cook your pasta until almost done. Add the onions to the cheese sauce. In the same pan you cooked the onions in (there should be oil left in the bottom), add the mushrooms and the garlic, sautee for about 5 minutes then add the remaining vegetables until cooked through. While those cook, lightly oil an 8x13 glass baking dish and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Mix the cheese sauce, pasta, mustard and vegetables and spread this out in the glass pan. Sprinkle with the bread crumbs and bake, uncovered for 15 minutes until the sauce gets bubbly and delicious and the top is golden brown and crunchy. Let it rest for at least 15 minutes when you take it out of the oven so the sauce can set and not run all over your plate. Then get a bottle of wine and a good chick flick and enjoy. ;)


P.S. It freezes really well in case you are unlike me and don't eat the whole pan.

Before the crumbs

Hot out of the oven

Why I went through a can of dry shampoo in 3 days...

So I've decided to take my hippiness to the next level and make my own beauty products. I read a lot of natural, homemade, granola-eating blogs and I've learned a lot about the yucky chemicals in commercial shampoos, soaps, and lotions. I already replaced a few things (like make-up remover and shaving cream) with coconut oil, but I stepped it up a little this past week. After an internal struggle over crossing the line and diving into full-fledged hippie living, I went out and bought more coconut oil, along with a few other ingredients. It was actually super cheap for the amount of stuff I got, so I'm saving money too. After a few failed disasters, about five hair washings a day, a lot of trial and error, and seriously, an entire can of dry shampoo to try to fix my disaster before work, I finally have some success stories.

But first, here's some of the gross stuff I found out about what's supposed to make us clean:
Sodium Lauryl Sulfate- This stuff is in shampoo, soap, toothpaste, oh and engine degreasers. It's main purpose is to provide a cheap way to cause products to foam up. In laboratories, this is used to burst open cells during DNA extraction and to denature proteins. This is what it does inside your body. It degrades the cell membranes in your skin and hair follicles. Another problem with this chemical is when it gets absorbed by your skin and enters your blood stream. It mimics the effects of estrogen and disrupts your body's natural hormone balance. It has also been found to linger in the blood, heart and liver long after use. It has a high penetration level even at low levels of use so it causes skin irritation in very small concentrations, and in higher concentrations, it can actually corrode the skin. When it does penetrate your skin and reacts with compounds containing nitrogen, a powerful carcinogen is created.  Shampoo is one of the highest reported irritant reported to the FDA, with most of the complaints being eye irritation, scalp irritation, tangled hair, and split ends. It literally strips your hair and skin of its naturally occurring oils and dries it out, which is why we have to replace that oil with more pore clogging, dangerous chemicals.

A healthier, more natural, safe alternative is castille soap. It's made from vegetable oils and gently dissolves dirt and oil rather than stripping your skin. You can use a much smaller amount than you would have to with regular soap and it leaves your skin feeling softer and clean without drying it out. There are a lot of different brands, but I got Dr. Bronner's, which comes in a lot of different scents. i used the eucalyptus because it goes with the peppermint tea and oil and the tea tree oil I already had. Plus I have a little bit of a stuffy nose right now, so the hot shower and the eucalyptus smell has been allowing me to breathe a little easier.

So my attempt at homemade stuff started about 2 weeks ago. I started with a stupidly simple recipe for shampoo and conditioner. For the shampoo: 1/4 cup baking soda, 2 cups water. And for the conditioner: 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar, 2 cups water. I was really skeptical about this, but I read some rave reviews and I had the stuff on hand anyway so I tried it. I was really surprised at how amazing and soft my hair felt after, and there was no smell of the vinegar. People always say you're not supposed to wash your hair everyday, but I've always had to; my hair would feel disgusting if I didn't, but with this, I didn't have to. I did, however, feel like I was wasting a lot since it was so thin, and it was just going down the drain. And, although the smell of vinegar didn't stay in my hair, I couldn't get over the smell in the shower.

I then tried a recipe that I saw with slight variations all over the hippie internet world. DISASTER!! It was basically equal parts Castille Soap and water, with a teaspoon of oil. This made my hair feel so gross and greasy and I could not do anything with it. It left a disgusting film that would not go away. I tried this recipe in different proportions and with different ingredients but nothing worked. So try and try again... After a brief relapse into sodium lauryl sulfate, I literally could not brush through my hair. It felt dry and damaged and gross. So I decided to go back to the baking soda and vinegar. My hair is much happier, and I switched bottles so not so much is going down the drain.

I did have a few recipes that worked on the first try that will make me never buy these products again. Mine work just as well, if not better, than store-bought chemical-laden goop. I started experimenting on Thursday, which was stupid because I had to look presentable for work Thursday, Friday and Saturday, but it all turned out ok. The only downside to my final products is that, because these are made with a lot of food, they can go bad if they sit for too long. That's why I made small batches, when possible, and took a lot of precautions to try to preserve them.

Homemade Conditioner
2/3 cup peppermint tea made with distilled water
1/2 tsp xantham gum
1 tsp grapeseed oil
5 drops tea tree oil
Vitamin E squeezed from 2 capsules

Just blend it up until it's emulsified and transfer it to a squeeze bottle. The xantham gum acts as an emulsifier. It can be found in the baking aisle, and you can substitute guar gum for this too. The Vitamin E acts as a preservative, plus it's good for your hair. The distilled water helps make it last longer without going bad. It's a little thinner than regular conditioner, but a little goes a long way. It smells really good too. This was supposed to go with my shampoo, but since that failed, I use this one as a leave in conditioner to protect my hair from the blow dryer and curling iron.

Homemade Lotion
The recipe I found for this was a little sketchy so it took some improvising and about 6 variations until I finally got it right.
1 1/2 oz. beeswax, grated
1 1/4 cup grapeseed oil
4 tbsp coconut oil
2 cups peppermint tea made with distilled water
Vitamin E squeezed from 3 capsules
10 drops tea tree oil

Grating beeswax is awful. If you can find it pre-grated, definitely buy that rather than doing it yourself. Melt the beeswax and coconut oil in a double boiler. Remove from the heat and add the remaining ingredients. You may have to return to the heat if it starts to harden again. I used a handheld immersion blender to combine everything, but you could use a regular blender. If all the water doesn't emulsify, add a little more grapeseed oil until it does. It takes a little while of blending, but you end up with a really soft, creamy lotion. This makes a lot so I put some in a small container and put the rest in a larger container to keep in the fridge to keep it from spoiling.

Homemade Toothpaste
1 tsp coconut oil
2 tbsp baking soda
5 drops peppermint essential oil
5 drops tea tree essential oil
1 packet stevia

Just mash everything together until it is a consistent texture. Sounds weird, works great. Tastes a little funky, but it's only 5 minutes a day you have to deal with it.

Homemade Face Wash
1/4 cup raw, unfiltered honey
3 tbsp baking soda

My face has never, ever looked so clear and bright. I will never use anything other than this.

And my most hippie recipe yet...
Homemade Deodorant
Yeah. Really.
2 tbsp coconut oil
2 tbsp baking soda
2 tbsp corn starch
10 drops tea tree essential oil

This isn't an antiperspirant because those are bad for you. The aluminum-based compounds in antiperspirant block your sweat glands and stop you from sweating. There are warnings that people with kidney disease should stay away from these chemicals because their bodies will have a hard time excreting the toxins that are absorbed. There are claims of the aluminum in antiperspirants causing Alzheimer's and cancer, but the claims have not been validated. Still, I'm not taking any chances.

Last one...
Homemade Body Scrub
1/4 cup each sugar, salt, and coconut oil
1 tbsp grapeseed oil
5 drops each tea tree and peppermint oil
Vitamin E squeezed from 2 capsules

Mix it up and put it in a jar and use it when you want extra soft skin. Be careful if you use it on your feet so you don't slip and die.

Now that I'm done being a mad scientist, my skin and hair are very happy. My kitchen will now be used for making food instead of soap, and I will smell like a minty tree or something. Haha, come over to the green side and try one of these recipes out!!

Awake

Time for a serious, self-reflection kind of post. Not a healthy eating post for you, a mental health post for me.

I have come to a realization about the way I've been living. The other day, I said something (ok, I posted it on facebook) that made me consider the direction I'm taking my life. I said that I lead a double life. There is the me that is obsessed with Jason Mraz, that enjoys running through the neighborhood, that volunteers, that would rather spend a day off cooking up a storm in the kitchen than anything else, that writes this blog. Then there's the me that works at a nightclub, that spends the hours after work with Patron XO shots in one hand and champagne in the other, that eats nachos at 6 in the morning, that doesn't wake up until 2 in the afternoon, that needs to get it together.

When I think about the two lives I lead, I think about which one I really am. I am both. But there is much, much more of me in the first person. I've lived in Las Vegas for most of my life, but I haven't seen it for what it is until recently. I always thought I had a normal childhood and life until the past year or so. Now I see it differently. I see the way my childhood was different from kids in other cities, I see the way we place value on different people here, I see the way people deceive others and step on everyone on their path to get ahead. It's a city built on sex and alcohol and just generally making bad choices. I've seen this place consume people and ruin lives. Obviously this isn't what happens to everyone, or even the majority of people, but working in this industry, I see it change people. It can trap you if you let it. I have to stop letting it. I've already seen this place take so much from me, my family, my friends, my naivety, my innocence. I will not let it take my future.

The first me, is a happy me. It's a me that feels whole and productive and positive. The second me is one that is filled with doubt and guilt and regret. It's a fun me, but it's not a happy me. My goals and my dreams are at risk of not being fulfilled if I let this place take me. I get so excited and happy when I think about what I'm going to accomplish. The only thing that scares me is that I won't get there because I'll get stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I love my life how it is. I love my job, I love my friends, I have a lot of fun, but I know that my two selves are contradictory, and that one will have to win out over the other.

I know if I am going to get where I want to be, that I have to make a change. I know that this is something I have to do for myself and I have to stop giving in to temptation. Maybe writing it out will give it more weight in my mind. I'm opening my eyes now and keeping them in the direction of my dreams. I'm waking up to the way I want to be.

Ok, done being cheesy. Have a good night everyone. :)