Awake

Time for a serious, self-reflection kind of post. Not a healthy eating post for you, a mental health post for me.

I have come to a realization about the way I've been living. The other day, I said something (ok, I posted it on facebook) that made me consider the direction I'm taking my life. I said that I lead a double life. There is the me that is obsessed with Jason Mraz, that enjoys running through the neighborhood, that volunteers, that would rather spend a day off cooking up a storm in the kitchen than anything else, that writes this blog. Then there's the me that works at a nightclub, that spends the hours after work with Patron XO shots in one hand and champagne in the other, that eats nachos at 6 in the morning, that doesn't wake up until 2 in the afternoon, that needs to get it together.

When I think about the two lives I lead, I think about which one I really am. I am both. But there is much, much more of me in the first person. I've lived in Las Vegas for most of my life, but I haven't seen it for what it is until recently. I always thought I had a normal childhood and life until the past year or so. Now I see it differently. I see the way my childhood was different from kids in other cities, I see the way we place value on different people here, I see the way people deceive others and step on everyone on their path to get ahead. It's a city built on sex and alcohol and just generally making bad choices. I've seen this place consume people and ruin lives. Obviously this isn't what happens to everyone, or even the majority of people, but working in this industry, I see it change people. It can trap you if you let it. I have to stop letting it. I've already seen this place take so much from me, my family, my friends, my naivety, my innocence. I will not let it take my future.

The first me, is a happy me. It's a me that feels whole and productive and positive. The second me is one that is filled with doubt and guilt and regret. It's a fun me, but it's not a happy me. My goals and my dreams are at risk of not being fulfilled if I let this place take me. I get so excited and happy when I think about what I'm going to accomplish. The only thing that scares me is that I won't get there because I'll get stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I love my life how it is. I love my job, I love my friends, I have a lot of fun, but I know that my two selves are contradictory, and that one will have to win out over the other.

I know if I am going to get where I want to be, that I have to make a change. I know that this is something I have to do for myself and I have to stop giving in to temptation. Maybe writing it out will give it more weight in my mind. I'm opening my eyes now and keeping them in the direction of my dreams. I'm waking up to the way I want to be.

Ok, done being cheesy. Have a good night everyone. :)